Expendable

To many I appear to be hardened. But

I am soft. I dream too.

I don’t enough, but

I let myself dream of

being famous. I dream of

fighting in large arenas

in Belgium and France. I dream of

walking down the street the next morning

and someone saying

“good fight” as I’m taking a taxi

back to a good hotel.

I dream of

meeting beautiful women in the hall

and turning them away

because I have a sonnet in mind

that I want to write before sunrise.

At sunrise I will be asleep.

and upon waking

experiencing an ora, a feel.

A feeling that I could never experience here.

I think we all feel this

now and then.

I’d even like to visit

Badenheim, Germany. the place where

my Father began fighting.

Doing what I love; having taken the chances

knowing I grasped every opportunity;

having no regrets.

It could happen.

I’m ready.

I’ve seen snails climb over

ten foot walls and

vanish.

You mustn’t confuse this with

ambition.

I still wouldn’t be happy with my

good turn of the cards—-

and I won’t forget you.

i’ll send postcards and

snapshots, and the

finished sonnet.

Anonymous asked: have you ever watched dear john?

now, you know the simple sentimentalist in me, so maybe you could understand.

this is the way i feel about the love we had. this is the way i will always feel. and i am so sorry. i am so sorry i didn't give you what you deserved even when it came to the end. i am a stupid girl. i will always have the faults that every other stupid girl does. and i'm sorry. i was weak, and i am turning 20 years old today and i just felt like it needed to be said. i know karma. and i know what is going to happen now that i've reached out to you again... but it's hard not to. it's hard to see what you feel and feel nothing at all. i am sorry for keeping a wound open. if that is what this is at all anymore. i don't know of anything infinite, so i don't know what to compare this to. i just hope you can be happy. and i feel like we'll intertwine again. i don't know how. but just like all the other things i am ignorant of, i hope to learn.

You have nothing to apologize for. You and I were young and ignorant; we are young and ignorant; and just as 98% of the population, we will die ignorant souls; never truly knowing exactly what we were capable of, nor the real opportunities we had in our grasp; with many regrets and never saying the things we should have said when we needed to say them. You have nothing to apologize for… and no, I haven’t seen the movie.

P.S. Live your life for you. Learn. Look to the future as a window of opportunity, for your future is all that you control. You need no one besides yourself; most have to find this out the hard way.

I will always have love for you, but you are free to make your decisions as am I. My life is very complicated and confusing right now and I doubt many of these situations are situations you would want yourself in as well. I am young and confused; I doubt this is changing any time soon. Even though you wrote this message for yourself; to make yourself feel better. I am always here.

Having a chill night.

Hitting up the Hitchcock Festival at The Palace. 8:00.

Anonymous asked: i think there is no way she could not feel the same if this is how you feel. for this to have such an impact in your life she couldn't just walk away? have you ever thought about talking to her? haha sounds lame but does she have a tumblr ?? or did she move out of state or different country? i just don't see how you could feel so strongly and she just doesn't feel a thing. i'm sure you both have those "we're both looking at the moon" moments if you know what i mean. do you ever get those. i have before, and i believe it is a sign. for everytime you feel that THERE IS a reason, it's almost like phantom limb syndrome in your soul i think

I actually gaze at the sky every night, sometimes in public. I get looked at funny sometimes, but I find it phenomenally interesting. However, I seriously doubt she is doing the same thing.

She is now married.

IDC who reads this; for those curious.

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You see, my previous relationship was more of forced separation. It was not us splitting; it was more of one day ‘I love you more than anything I’ve experienced in my life and it’s me/you against the world’ to ‘this has to end… today.’

And if I chose to approach her and get rejected, I have now been abandoned by every object of love I have ever visualized or understood as truth in my life. If I got rejected, love would now be seen as a lie to us as Americans. Just a fake dream to chase that has been preached since birth.

I would honestly loose hope in the object of imagination that love is.

I feel as if I would make more progress holding onto the love that I once had; with that person never truly telling me that she has let go. She probably has, and I wish her nothing but happiness in her life, but I feel at times otherwise; as if she is also unhappy. Maybe this is just my ego and my pride once again. Unless I took an incredible leap of faith; I will never know.

I have never really experienced a day without pain…until her. And it only seems natural that that pain resides after her. I welcome it. To me it is almost like a strength. I know it too well, to most it overwhelms them, to me I’ve lived with it all my life.

I hold this pain in my heart and yet I still persevere through every obstacle you could possibly put in my path. I don’t need your help, I have this pain here..in my soul. That’s all the motivation I need. Most out in this world; are heartless. They don’t understand people like me; and I bask in this glory.

P.S. It seems as when people look into my eyes, with whatever mood I’m in, they can see this pain; and they don’t understand it. Sometimes, not often, one will see it and make that connection. I can feel it. Either way, I can always tell people are affected by it. When they look into my eyes, they turn away differently as when they do any others.

Anonymous asked: how do you know that the other person doesn't feel the same, i'm sorry for being intrusive i just find myself wondering about love and loss and what it really does to people. you just don't find many guys who actually mourn .. i see a lot of forgetting but never ever any true feeling after the fact.

Hmm, actually this has been a good while ago; over a year. My situation is quite a complicated one; beyond any means the average individual comes across. I honestly feel that this other individual I have blogged about feels somewhat the same way, thus why I still come into relapses of depression.

However, I just have to let the situation be as it is. I almost feel as if there is truth to the fact that souls honestly make a connection; because to this very hour, she has never been able to say that she didn’t love me. I haven’t talked to her in over a year, and I don’t seem to understand it either, but the feelings are still there. Is it love, or is it me just being prideful and wanting what I can’t have? Because my pride forced me to tell her that I didn’t love her when that was never the case.

I cannot answer this question, I’ve tried everyday since. If I could, however, answer that question- I would be talking to her and not you.

P.S. your intrusion is appreciated.

Anonymous asked: i can tell by what you write there is something missing in your life who broke your heart?? that's just what it seems like?..

Hmmm, how to answer that question.

Some memories are like yesterday, however usually it seems as if it never even happened.

I rarely trust people. I’ve been abandoned by every being I’ve met, even my parents, at an early age; so I learned this fast. I had one slip-up about a year ago, and every now and then it creeps up and haunts me. It usually goes away, however it definitely brings back alot of old emotions for a day or two. Recently when this happens, I vent through this blog.

I really didn’t think anyone took time to read it.

Why can’t the Forecastle ocean stage take place EVERY weekend ?

Confusion&Insomnia

I over-analyze entirely too much. Sometimes things just need to be-

let be.

when was the last time I truely smiled?

I overtly can’t remember.

yet I feel like I’ve made immense progress in my life {does this not bring true happiness?}

if I just lived life in the moment and chose to place my gaze only upon the future; never to again dwell upon the negative and the past {could I truly smile?}

would it be worth it?

the one being I remember with the capability of causing the chain reaction in my brain, establishing a feeling of completeness, catalyzing a fulfilling grin {it’s not coming back}

could it? would it?

in the case that it did {would it even fill the holes that it has made in my life?}

why can’t I just fight for what I know is right in my life and let it happen?

{could it prove to be wrong and dig even more into the emptiness it has left?}

AM I TRULY THAT SELFISH?

Why do I still stretch out and grasp for the answers to these questions?

haven’t I let go?

I feel as if I completed this ornery task many, many moons in my past;

buried it deeply in the soil and pummeled away at the loose dirt upon it.

How are others still able to carry this heavy corpse back to me?

could there truly be a universal being whispering “don’t let go?”

am I carrying this crushing burden for a reason?

do the scales of life truly level out?

is over-analyzing something you can just turn off and say “fuck it”?

my life isn’t a complete one, but-

can it be changed precisely by my actions?

you don’t posses the ability to answer these questions.

however neither do I.

all I know about life at this moment in time is it’s 8am & I. can’t. FUCKING. sleep.

MAYBE I AM THAT SELFISH.